“The idea that trust cannot be restored once it is lost is a myth. Though it may be difficult, in most cases, lost trust can be restored – and often even enhanced!”
– Stephen M.R. Covey.
Nearly 20 years ago, a group of friends and colleagues secretly held meetings behind my back with the aim of removing me from my leadership position. These were men I loved, trusted, and deeply respected. I couldn’t understand why I was struggling to lead meetings and fulfil my role—until one day, I asked one of them directly what was going on. That’s when the truth came out.
What followed were tough conversations, and ultimately, I decided to resign as the leader of the organisation. It felt like a divorce after infidelity—painful and deeply personal.
But the beautiful part of the story is that today, I share wonderful relationships with two of the four individuals and their families. Over the years, I have supported one in his ministry, and we’ve enjoyed meaningful time together. The other has become a close family friend, to the extent that I officiated his daughter’s wedding, and he and his wife travelled far to attend my own daughter’s wedding.
Trust and love were restored, our relationships re-storied, and we are great friends again. But how does that happen?
Many couples, business partners, teammates, and colleagues have walked a similar path of rebuilding relationships. What doesn’t work is staying silent and hoping things will magically fix themselves. Blaming, arguments, and critical letters or conversations only deepen the wounds. As I often say, “Not tough talk or nice talk, but dialogue.”
Covey advises, “Don’t be too quick to judge” and then: “Do be quick to forgive.” I would add the importance of empathy: try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes. It might also be time to tell yourself a different story about what happened and about what still can be—a new narrative that allows healing to begin.
In my case, healing with my two former colleagues came through mature, open, and honest conversations. We were able to apologise to one another and forgive. It was challenging not to dwell on the “whys” of the past but instead to focus on the path forward. Part of the process was developing an understanding of their perspectives and making a conscious decision to stop judging and start loving.
We intentionally spent time together again, rediscovered the good in each other, and opened our hearts. Slowly but surely, the wounds healed, love grew, and trust was not only restored but deepened. Our relationships today are stronger than ever, and I would have missed out on so much had I not taken the steps to rebuild them.
Of the other two colleagues, one moved away, and we lost touch. With the other, we had a conversation where we forgave each other, but it didn’t go further or deeper. Perhaps that day will come. But in my heart, I hold empathy and love for both.
Maybe you’ve been hurt too, or perhaps you caused the hurt. It’s part of life when we live or work closely with others. You might consider writing off once-precious relationships. I know it hurts. But I encourage you to reconsider. Open yourself to the possibility of a new beginning. The relationship may not return to what it once was, but it can evolve into something new and even more beautiful.
With some people, you may need to adjust your expectations and accept certain limitations. And trusting some people is just not wise. We have to accept it and make peace with it.
But in most cases some level of trust can be re rebuilt, and when that happens, it can lead to a stronger, more meaningful connection than you ever imagined.
Feel welcome to visit my blog at Ways2Grow and read many other letters.
May the Christ of Christmas bring joy to you, and may you enter 2025 with hope and excitement.
