Ways2Grow

Growing people. Growing business.

Transactional Analysis

A simple 3-step process to help you relate more wisely

1. What this tool helps you do

This tool helps you notice which ego state you are operating from in a moment. Most of the time we are mainly in one state at a time. The goal is not to judge yourself. The goal is to notice your state, move back to Adult, and then respond more wisely.

2. The three states in simple language

PARENTADULTCHILD
The “should” voice.
Critical, controlling, rescuing, or over-caring.		The wise voice.
Calm, realistic, present, responsible, solution-focused.		The “feel” voice.
Reactive, emotional, needy, avoidant, or impulsive.

3. The 3-step reset process

Notice your state Pause and ask: Am I showing up from Parent, Adult, or Child right now?

Move to Adult Breathe, settle, name the facts, and return to a grounded, realistic, responsible Adult state.

Relate more wisely from Adult From Adult, think clearly, take responsibility, set boundaries where needed, and respond more constructively.

4. The OK-OK box: stay in the healthy zone

The OK-OK communication note adds a helpful insight: each ego state has healthier forms that keep you in the “OK-OK box” and less healthy forms that pull you out of it. Adult is the centre — the here-and-now place of problem solving, good questions, clear decisions, and constructive relating.

PARENTADULTCHILD
Helpful Parent
• Structuring
• Setting boundaries
•Nurturing •Encouraging		Healthy Adult
• Here-and-now
• Problem solving
• Asking questions
• Making decisions		Helpful Child
• Co-operative
• Considerate
• Spontaneous
• Genuine
• Curious
• Creative
Unhelpful drift
•Dominating
•Judgmental
•Over-controlling
•Marshmallowing / smothering		Adult rarely harms by excess.
The real risk is losing Adult and slipping into Parent or Child.		Unhelpful drift
•Compliant / resistant
•Anxious / rebellious
•Immature / reckless

5. How to apply the tool

In the moment

  • Stop before you react.
  • Ask: Which state am I in right now?
  • Name what you feel and what the facts are.
  • Move back to Adult.
  • Choose one wise next step.

In relationships

  • Notice whether you are speaking from Parent or Child.
  • Avoid Parent-to-Child, Parent-to-Parent, Child-to-Parent, or Child-to-Child exchanges when you can.
  • Aim for Adult-to-Adult conversations and relations.
  • Be calm, clear, respectful, and responsible.

Afterwards

  • Reflect on one real example from daily life.
  • What triggered you?
  • What state were you mainly in?
  • What helped you move back to Adult?
  • What changed when you responded from Adult?

6. How to use this with your coach

When you next speak with your coach, report back on one or two real situations and answer these questions:

  • What happened?
  • Which state did you notice most clearly?
  • How did you move back to Adult?
  • What changed in your response or relationship?
  • What do you want to practise next?

7. Final reminder

This tool gives you a simple way to reset your inner state so that you can respond better. Notice your state. Move to Adult. Relate more wisely from Adult. With practice, this becomes more natural.

Original developer: Eric Berne
Adapted by Dr Johann Oostenbrink | Ways2Grow