I few years ago I had this challenge. Herman, the general manager of a large farming business, was at his wits’ end. “I feel like I’m managing children,” he sighed. Managers ran to him with every problem. Mistakes kept repeating. He jumped in with answers, and the team felt smothered. In their words: “It’s as if Herman wants to run the farms himself, and we must just do what he says.”
In three short workshops we used Transactional Analysis as a simple lens. When leaders Parent, people tend to slip into Child. And the reverse is also true: when people act Child, leaders feel compelled to Parent. That dance becomes toxic—aggressor–victim, win–lose that ends up lose–lose.
The breakthrough came when Herman chose a different social contract: Adult–to–Adult. We agreed clear language: “These are your farms. You own the results. I’m here to support, mentor and hold you accountable—like an adult partner, not a parent.” At first, old habits tugged. When errors happened, he wanted to lecture and sometimes did. Slowly but certainly his style changed. Instead, he paused and asked Adult questions:
“How do you think you can solve it?”
“What did you learn?”
“How will we prevent a repeat?”
Crucially, Adult–to–Adult is not abdication—it’s enablement. If we expect ownership, we must build capability. Leaders create the conditions for people to stand in the Adult position by training and developing them until competence grows, confidence rises, and decisions can be owned with pride.
Herman began visiting farms to catch people doing things right. His visits became mini-celebrations. Confidence grew. Initiative returned. Within months, the managers brought more of their best—and many have since progressed into senior roles elsewhere.
What you can do this week
- Notice the dance. Ask: am I Parenting or leading Adult–to–Adult?
- Give ownership back—out loud. “This is yours. I trust your judgement.”
- Ask Adult questions. “What do you propose?” “What options do you see?”
- Set the frame, not the script. Agree outcomes, guardrails, and check-ins.
- Equip competence and confidence. Provide focused training, on-the-job coaching, simple playbooks/SOPs, decision rights, and safe practice (shadowing, role-plays, small pilots). Capability first, then autonomy.
- Celebrate progress. Recognise what’s working to reinforce desired behaviour.
- Treat mistakes as data. Run a quick “learn–improve–prevent” review, not a scolding.
- Hold clean accountability. Who will do what, by when, and how will we know?
When you pull with purpose, trust and capability-building, people step up and feel energised and enabled. When you push with control and urgency, they step back or push back. Adult–to–Adult leadership is the shortest route to proactivity, ownership and better results—with far less effort.
Try this today: replace one instruction with “What do you recommend—and why?” Agree the training or support they need, back their plan, and set the next check-in. You’ll feel the shift. So will they.
