You may know the feeling.

Something goes wrong. You are late. Your body tightens. Your breathing becomes shallow. Before you have even worked out what to do, your mind starts racing ahead:

What will people think?
How badly have I messed this up?
What if this costs me an important opportunity?

A while ago, I arrived for an important training session with a new client – only to discover that I was at the wrong office.

The correct venue was about 35 kilometres away. (Eish!)

For a moment, my nervous system did exactly what nervous systems do when they sense danger. My muscles tensed, my breathing shortened, and my mind started constructing the worst possible outcome.

I may lose this contract.
They will think I am unreliable or unprofessional.
How will I explain this?

Perhaps you recognise that moment – not necessarily from arriving at the wrong place, but from an unexpected email, a difficult conversation, a mistake, criticism, conflict or news you were not prepared to receive.

The situation happens once. Then our minds make it happen another twenty times.

Usually, I might have spent the entire drive analysing, rehearsing conversations and criticising myself. But on this occasion, I chose a different response.

I recognised what was happening inside me.

I named the fear, the tension and the story my mind was telling me. There is wisdom in the familiar phrases:

If you can see it, you do not have to be it.
If you can name it, you can tame it.

I could see that my system had moved into survival mode – but I did not have to let that state determine how I arrived.

So, I began to regulate my body.

I breathed slowly. I changed my posture. I relaxed my shoulders. I brought myself back into the car, into the road and into the present moment.

I gently rubbed two fingertips together and focused on the sensation. Then I pressed my palms and fingers together, noticing the warmth, pressure and texture. These simple physical practices interrupted the anxious thought cycle and helped my attention return to what was actually happening now.

I reminded myself:

This is difficult, but I can handle it.
This is not what I planned, but I am okay.

I breathed into that sense of okayness.

Gradually, the tension released. The breathlessness settled. I even began to laugh at the situation.

By the time I arrived, I was no longer frantic, defensive or trapped in self-criticism. I was calm enough to connect and be fully present.

I apologised, explained the misunderstanding and began the session. Eventually, I used the entire incident as part of the training – a real-life example of what happens when pressure activates us and how we can choose to reset before we respond.

The session went extremely well. Afterwards, the managing director send me a whatsapp voice note to thank me, not only for the training, but also for the way the delay had become part of the lesson.

The mistake had not destroyed the opportunity. The mess became part of the message…

The setback had become part of the value.

The solution may not be another thought

When we feel distressed, many of us instinctively try to solve the problem by thinking harder.

We analyse, replay, predict, explain and rehearse. But often the more we think, the more activated we become.

This is because distress is not held only in the mind. It is also carried in the body and nervous system. You usually cannot think yourself out of negative feelings.

When we feel threatened, our system prepares us to fight, flee or shut down. This response is not a personal failure. It is part of our built-in protection. But when we remain there unnecessarily, it becomes difficult to think clearly, connect warmly or act wisely.

Sometimes the first step is therefore not to find a better argument.

It is to help your body to reset to feel safe enough to become present again.

You could:

• take three slower breaths
• relax your jaw and shoulders
• gently rub two fingers together
• press your palms together and notice the sensation
• feel your feet on the floor
• look around and name what you can see and hear

These practices are small, but they send an important message to the nervous system:

I am here. I am present. I have choices.

What story are you carrying today?

Perhaps something has activated you recently.

Maybe you are replaying a conversation, worrying about a decision, anticipating rejection or carrying an old fear into a new situation.

Before trying to solve everything in your head, pause and ask:

What is happening inside me?
What story am I telling myself?
Where do I feel this in my body?
What would help me become calmer and more grounded?
How would the best version of me respond from here?

The aim is not to suppress your emotions or pretend that everything is fine.

It is to help your nervous system settle enough for your wisdom, compassion, creativity and courage to become available again.

You may not be able to change what has happened.

But you can learn to recognise, regulate and reset – so that fear from the future or pain from the past does not take control of the present.

Perhaps today you do not need to think harder.

Perhaps you need to pause, breathe and come home to this moment.

In other words, you can move from force to flow. From Surviving to Thriving. Please see my tool on this: https://ways2grow.co.za/grow-tools/from-surviving-to-thriving/

From there, from flow mode, you may discover that you can handle far more than your anxious mind initially told you.

Recently, a great contract I had already negotiated, agreed on, and started to deliver suddenly fell away. The client had misunderstood the fee structure, and the rest of the process was cancelled.

It was disappointing to say the least. Not catastrophic. But enough to unsettle me for a while.

Perhaps you know that feeling too.

Not necessarily because a contract falls through. But because something you had counted on suddenly changes. You plan an event, and then you fall ill. You want to go away, and the weather turns everything upside down. You arrange a get-together, and people withdraw — sometimes for understandable reasons, sometimes less so. Or the setback comes in work, in finances, in health, in marriage, in family life, or in some other place where you had hoped things would go better.

Life has a way of doing that.

And when it does, it can leave us asking, What now?

Maybe we are not stuck — just overwhelmed

What I am realising again is that we are often not truly stuck.

We are overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by trying to understand everything at once. Overwhelmed by trying to fix too much too quickly. Overwhelmed by the uncertainty that comes when the path ahead no longer looks as neat or predictable as we had hoped.

And in that state, it is easy to lose perspective. We start to feel trapped, while in reality we may simply be unsettled, disappointed, or temporarily disoriented.

That is a very normal human experience. And it can be dangerous if not processed well.

A quieter and wiser response

What helps in moments like this is not always a quick answer. Often it is something quieter.

I find it helps to come back to a few grounding questions:

What is still true – true about myself and my circumstances?
What is still positive and certain?

What opportunity or gift does this bring?

What is still mine to do?

Those questions do not solve everything. But they often help us recover our footing.

They bring us back from the noise of “everything” to the wisdom of the next right step.

This is where coaching can help

This is also where coaching can be so valuable.

Not because a coach magically fixes your life or gives you all the answers, but because a good coaching conversation can help you slow down, see more clearly, untangle what is going on, and find your next step again.

Sometimes that is all we need: not a five-year plan, but enough clarity to move well from here.

A practical tool: 3R2Reset

That is also why I want to point you again to a simple tool on the Ways2Grow site: 3R2Reset.

It is there for exactly these moments — when your inner world feels noisy, when disappointment or uncertainty starts pulling you off centre, and when you need to regain clarity before reacting.

It helps you to:

• Recognise what is happening in you – just name it.
• Reset your inner state, change your narrative and your energy.
• and then Respond more wisely – just one step at a time.

Sometimes that small inner shift changes much more than we expect. (Again, you can learn more about this tool elswhere on my blogsite.)

One final thought

When plans unravel, it does not always mean everything is falling apart.

Sometimes it simply means life is asking us to slow down, listen again, and take the next wise step.

So if something in your world has recently shifted, disappointed, stalled, or fallen through, take heart.

You may not be stuck.

You may simply be in a moment that calls for a steadier response.

And often, one next step is enough…

In my work over the past few weeks, I have again been reminded of something both simple and profound:

Relationships don’t break down because people talk too little.
They often break down because people cannot let go.

We hold on to:

• unmet expectations,
• disappointments and disillusionments,
• hurts,
• what should / could have been.

And the more we hold on, the more stuck and unhappy we become.

Perhaps you have experienced this.

A relationship at work.
A situation in your family.
A conversation that keeps replaying in your mind.

You may even still be having the same argument — just internally.

A quiet but powerful shift

What if the way forward is not more debate, more explaining, or more proving?

What if it starts here?:

Forgiveness is choosing not to stay stuck in the past.

And discovering a way to freedom, healing, and peace.

Not ignoring what happened.
Not pretending it did not matter.
Not making it smaller.
Not making excuses or justifying it.
And not necessarily becoming best friends again.

But choosing to release its grip on you. Not forgiving, they say, is drinking poison hoping the other person would die. I think, foriving is throwing away the poison.

Perhaps each of us, in our own way and time, can begin to let go of some of the past — the unmet expectations, disappointments and hurts.

History has shown us something remarkable:

Nations have only truly moved forward when forgiveness entered the room.

Think Nelson Mandela in South Africa, Mohatma Gandhi in India, and Martin Luther King in the USA.

The same is true for individuals.

More conversations and debates alone rarely restore relationships.
But forgiveness often opens a door that nothing else can.

What forgiveness really means

Forgiveness is not only about what we let go of emotionally.
It is also about what we consciously choose to release and invite.

It means:

• letting go of the past, and choosing not to live in it anymore,
• letting go of the expectation that the other person will admit everything and make it right,
• letting go of the desire to see them punished or suffer,
• choosing, in time, to wish them well,
• and allowing them to keep their dignity and move on with their life.

This is not easy.

But it is deeply freeing.

Why we struggle to forgive

Because it feels like:

• unfairly letting the other person “off the hook”,
• losing the argument,
• or accepting something that felt wrong.

But in reality, forgiveness is not about the other person first.

It is about freeing yourself.

One way of making forgiveness easier

There is something else I have seen again recently.

Forgiveness becomes much easier when we take responsibility for our own part.

When we are willing to say:

• “I got this wrong.”
• “I could have handled this better.”
• “I am sorry.”

Something shifts.

Walls soften.
Defences lower.
The space changes.

The best and shortest way to restore relationships almost always includes:

• Humility,
• Honesty,
• the courage to admit our own shortcomings,
• and the willingness to ask forgiveness.

Simple — but not easy.

A practical way forward

If you are facing tension in a relationship, perhaps start here:

1. Ask yourself honestly:
   What am I still holding onto?
2. Choose one small release:
   Not everything at once — just one step.
3. Own your part:
   Even if it is only 10%.
4. Do one small act of goodwill:
   A message, a kind word, a gesture.

Small steps.
But powerful ones.

A final thought

Forgiveness is not weakness.

It is one of the most mature and courageous choices we can make.

And often, it is the turning point that allows something new to begin.

So perhaps the question for this month is simply:

What might I need to let go of — so that I can move forward?

May you find the freedom that comes with it. And may you have the courage to keep on trying and growing.

At the beginning of a new year, we tend to feel optimistic.
We hope things will go well. We make plans. We look ahead with expectation.

And that’s a good thing. As Rick Warren once said, we need hope to cope.

At the same time, most of us know this too:
Life doesn’t unfold neatly. Along with good seasons come testing ones.

And yet, there is another truth I keep discovering – sometimes the most challenging seasons carry the most meaningful gifts, if we are willing to open ourselves to them and receive what they bring. That doesn’t mean we wish for difficult times. It simply means that life often holds more depth than we initially see.

As I write this letter, we are in Australia, supporting our daughter through her final rounds of chemotherapy.

Even the journey here became part of the story. Flying from Cape Town to Melbourne via Johannesburg and Singapore, we were tested along the way. As we approached Johannesburg, the aircraft had to abort its landing three times due to a severe thunderstorm. The plane was shaken as we dealt with turbulence and sudden changes of direction.

I’ll be honest – I prayed a few prayers.
I re-surrendered my life.
And I was reminded that a safe arrival is never a given.

But when we finally landed, something unexpected followed the relief – gratitude. Gratitude for life. Gratitude for a well-engineered aircraft. Gratitude for the calm skill of the cockpit crew. Things I usually take for granted suddenly felt precious again.

I also realised that, just like this flight, detours and delays are sometimes necessary in life. It’s better to flow with them than to fight them.

Because of the delays, we missed our connecting flight in Singapore. On paper, an inconvenience. In reality, a gift. We were treated to a day-long stay in a smart hotel, with a wonderful breakfast and lunch – all expenses covered. We rested well, and although it disrupted our plans, it actually made the rest of our journey to Melbourne easier and gentler.

Then we arrived at our daughter’s home.

Instead of everything feeling dark and heavy under the shadow of cancer, we encountered a deep connection of love. Very quickly, we became aware of how much joy can exist in the midst of hardship. They told us about family and friends around the world reaching out; about a community of mums bringing meals for their child; and about relationships with her in-laws that deepened and strengthened as they stepped in with practical and emotional support.

And then there was our grandchild, discovering life with curiosity and delight – quietly reminding us to notice the small, simple things we so easily overlook.

All of this has reminded me of something important.

Life doesn’t only give us strength for good times.
It also forms inner strength for whatever may come.

Not the kind of strength that hardens us or pushes us into survival mode (fight, flight, hide, denial) – but a strength rooted in appreciation, gratitude, mindfulness, and love. A strength that allows us not just to endure, but to thrive, even when circumstances are far from ideal. And the creativity to turn problems into new opportunities and possibilities.

Perhaps this is a helpful way to enter the year ahead – not expecting everything to go smoothly, but trusting that we can be equipped for what comes. That even difficult moments can bring connection, growth, and meaning. And that we can choose, again and again, not merely to survive, but to be fully alive.

That feels like a good place to begin.

May the good overshadow the difficult. And may there be many, wonderful, unexpected gifts on the way!

A reflection question for the year ahead:
Where in your life might you be living in survival mode – and what would it look like to take one small step towards thriving instead?