In my work over the past few weeks, I have again been reminded of something both simple and profound:

Relationships don’t break down because people talk too little.
They often break down because people cannot let go.

We hold on to:

• unmet expectations,
• disappointments and disillusionments,
• hurts,
• what should / could have been.

And the more we hold on, the more stuck and unhappy we become.

Perhaps you have experienced this.

A relationship at work.
A situation in your family.
A conversation that keeps replaying in your mind.

You may even still be having the same argument — just internally.

A quiet but powerful shift

What if the way forward is not more debate, more explaining, or more proving?

What if it starts here?:

Forgiveness is choosing not to stay stuck in the past.

And discovering a way to freedom, healing, and peace.

Not ignoring what happened.
Not pretending it did not matter.
Not making it smaller.
Not making excuses or justifying it.
And not necessarily becoming best friends again.

But choosing to release its grip on you. Not forgiving, they say, is drinking poison hoping the other person would die. I think, foriving is throwing away the poison.

Perhaps each of us, in our own way and time, can begin to let go of some of the past — the unmet expectations, disappointments and hurts.

History has shown us something remarkable:

Nations have only truly moved forward when forgiveness entered the room.

Think Nelson Mandela in South Africa, Mohatma Gandhi in India, and Martin Luther King in the USA.

The same is true for individuals.

More conversations and debates alone rarely restore relationships.
But forgiveness often opens a door that nothing else can.

What forgiveness really means

Forgiveness is not only about what we let go of emotionally.
It is also about what we consciously choose to release and invite.

It means:

• letting go of the past, and choosing not to live in it anymore,
• letting go of the expectation that the other person will admit everything and make it right,
• letting go of the desire to see them punished or suffer,
• choosing, in time, to wish them well,
• and allowing them to keep their dignity and move on with their life.

This is not easy.

But it is deeply freeing.

Why we struggle to forgive

Because it feels like:

• unfairly letting the other person “off the hook”,
• losing the argument,
• or accepting something that felt wrong.

But in reality, forgiveness is not about the other person first.

It is about freeing yourself.

One way of making forgiveness easier

There is something else I have seen again recently.

Forgiveness becomes much easier when we take responsibility for our own part.

When we are willing to say:

• “I got this wrong.”
• “I could have handled this better.”
• “I am sorry.”

Something shifts.

Walls soften.
Defences lower.
The space changes.

The best and shortest way to restore relationships almost always includes:

• Humility,
• Honesty,
• the courage to admit our own shortcomings,
• and the willingness to ask forgiveness.

Simple — but not easy.

A practical way forward

If you are facing tension in a relationship, perhaps start here:

1. Ask yourself honestly:
   What am I still holding onto?
2. Choose one small release:
   Not everything at once — just one step.
3. Own your part:
   Even if it is only 10%.
4. Do one small act of goodwill:
   A message, a kind word, a gesture.

Small steps.
But powerful ones.

A final thought

Forgiveness is not weakness.

It is one of the most mature and courageous choices we can make.

And often, it is the turning point that allows something new to begin.

So perhaps the question for this month is simply:

What might I need to let go of — so that I can move forward?

May you find the freedom that comes with it. And may you have the courage to keep on trying and growing.

At the beginning of a new year, we tend to feel optimistic.
We hope things will go well. We make plans. We look ahead with expectation.

And that’s a good thing. As Rick Warren once said, we need hope to cope.

At the same time, most of us know this too:
Life doesn’t unfold neatly. Along with good seasons come testing ones.

And yet, there is another truth I keep discovering – sometimes the most challenging seasons carry the most meaningful gifts, if we are willing to open ourselves to them and receive what they bring. That doesn’t mean we wish for difficult times. It simply means that life often holds more depth than we initially see.

As I write this letter, we are in Australia, supporting our daughter through her final rounds of chemotherapy.

Even the journey here became part of the story. Flying from Cape Town to Melbourne via Johannesburg and Singapore, we were tested along the way. As we approached Johannesburg, the aircraft had to abort its landing three times due to a severe thunderstorm. The plane was shaken as we dealt with turbulence and sudden changes of direction.

I’ll be honest – I prayed a few prayers.
I re-surrendered my life.
And I was reminded that a safe arrival is never a given.

But when we finally landed, something unexpected followed the relief – gratitude. Gratitude for life. Gratitude for a well-engineered aircraft. Gratitude for the calm skill of the cockpit crew. Things I usually take for granted suddenly felt precious again.

I also realised that, just like this flight, detours and delays are sometimes necessary in life. It’s better to flow with them than to fight them.

Because of the delays, we missed our connecting flight in Singapore. On paper, an inconvenience. In reality, a gift. We were treated to a day-long stay in a smart hotel, with a wonderful breakfast and lunch – all expenses covered. We rested well, and although it disrupted our plans, it actually made the rest of our journey to Melbourne easier and gentler.

Then we arrived at our daughter’s home.

Instead of everything feeling dark and heavy under the shadow of cancer, we encountered a deep connection of love. Very quickly, we became aware of how much joy can exist in the midst of hardship. They told us about family and friends around the world reaching out; about a community of mums bringing meals for their child; and about relationships with her in-laws that deepened and strengthened as they stepped in with practical and emotional support.

And then there was our grandchild, discovering life with curiosity and delight – quietly reminding us to notice the small, simple things we so easily overlook.

All of this has reminded me of something important.

Life doesn’t only give us strength for good times.
It also forms inner strength for whatever may come.

Not the kind of strength that hardens us or pushes us into survival mode (fight, flight, hide, denial) – but a strength rooted in appreciation, gratitude, mindfulness, and love. A strength that allows us not just to endure, but to thrive, even when circumstances are far from ideal. And the creativity to turn problems into new opportunities and possibilities.

Perhaps this is a helpful way to enter the year ahead – not expecting everything to go smoothly, but trusting that we can be equipped for what comes. That even difficult moments can bring connection, growth, and meaning. And that we can choose, again and again, not merely to survive, but to be fully alive.

That feels like a good place to begin.

May the good overshadow the difficult. And may there be many, wonderful, unexpected gifts on the way!

A reflection question for the year ahead:
Where in your life might you be living in survival mode – and what would it look like to take one small step towards thriving instead?